I’ve been meaning to write about this for years, but I can’t think of a better time than during the black lives matter protests following George Floyd’s murder (there is nothing alleged about it).

A short while ago Grindr decided to remove the ethnicity filter. This started valid debates with a bunch of friends and really got me feeling like this is a time to look inwards to myself and the gay community and ask those tough questions. Is it inherently wrong to have a racial sexual preference? Does this make the user of said filter a racist? Is there hidden discrimination in what I/we’ve been saying or doing? What about things people put in their descriptions such as “no fat, no ugly, no fem,etc”? an example of which only took me literally 35 seconds on Grindr to find today:

If we look back to the violent riots that started at New York City’s Stonewall Inn, those protests led to the end of the raids on gay bars by the police. They started the gay rights movement which is the very reason I am able to sit here (privileged af in my bathtub) writing about this topic without a single worry about the consequences.

Back then gays were subjected to oppression (read: police brutality) that is similar to what people of color endure today. Those who identify as LGBTQ+ should really think about this when criticizing the current riots as unreasonable. The riots are how we started to get to the level of respect we deserve. Human rights are not handed out, human rights are demanded.

Why then, if we’ve endured all of this discrimination and the pain of it, why do we do it to ourselves within our own gay community? Why do we post such angry and hateful and negative descriptions? Why do we need terminology to distinguish bears from twinks? Jocks, bros, muscle queens, daddies, fem, masc, and the list goes on and on? Why divide an already small community of people into smaller sub-communities that allow for even more discrimination?

No Fat

Being attracted to muscles and fit people can be explained in evolutionary terms as linked to survival and reproduction. It’s certainly not uncommon and I believe we have every right to reject anyone who isn’t a good match for us, but why do we have to resort to publically saying it? Why does it have to be stated in the psychologically damaging negative form? Why state it all? Just to save a few seconds reading messages from unwanted people? I don’t care how busy you are, you have two seconds to individually reject/ignore someone instead of publicly making an entire group of people feel like they are less desirable. Words matter. Let’s be kinder people. A fat person may read that and feel ashamed, less confident, and left out. As a person who was very overweight for 30 years I can tell you it is a very sensitive topic and while weight may be easy for some to control, not everyone is the same. Remember this is what we keep telling straight people. NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME.

Masc4Masc, No Fem

Ah the uber toxic “masc4masc”. Unless you are looking for some mascarpone action (in which case yum I’m down), this is one of the worst offenses because op top of being discriminatory, it also promotes the sexist view that somehow being more masculine is better.

No Ugly, No Degenerates, No Losers…

I. Can’t. Even. How many people do you think categorize themselves as degenerates or losers? What is this achieving other than showing how arrogant, impolite, and dumb the person is? I feel these people are hopeless the same way people who send others derogatory and racists messages are.

No Rice, No Curry, No Arabs, And No Blacks – The Unspoken Racial Hierarchy

Generally speaking I have seen much more of this in bigger and more diverse cities. It makes me think of what I call the invisible pyramid of desirability where races are ranked, most desirable on top and least desirable on the bottom. I’ve seen that in most “whiter” countries the white race is almost always on top followed by Latinos, then followed by Asians, Browns, and Blacks. The same pyramid seems to apply to poorer South East Asian countries where whites are seen as having the most money (and as the Chinese get richer they are quickly moving up that pyramid). In most East Asian countries the Asian race moves to the very top and in some cases it’s not even a pyramid, it’s more like a square.

Some may disagree with the order I presented. Some may not see the pyramid at all. Others may say that there are different people with different preferences. I don’t have substantial proof, but I am confident of the existence of some kind of pyramid. I did a little social experiment a while back in Boston where I changed my race on Grindr from Middle Eastern to White. Same pic same profile. I found the next few days (which were not the weekend or some special holiday) that I was literally getting 3-4X more messages. There were only two possible explanations. 1) Total coincidence or 2) I was being filtered out until I made the change. I ran this test a couple more times several months later only to find similar results.

On the surface this unspoken pyramid may look like it’s a consequence of sexual preference, but I think the answer requires digging deeper. Is it because movies tend to often portray the white person as wealthier and more educated while often portraying the people of color as criminals or less educated or poor? Is it because wealthier people make better partners? Because of systemic privilege that reinforces this narrative? Or perhaps it’s politically instilled nationalism meant to polarize and manipulate? A symptom of centuries of societal inequality? Maybe it’s because some continents aren’t as developed and educated as others? Because we associate a certain race with certain features we find attractive? Because of that inherent sexism where some people’s features are seen as less “manly”? Because of an associated religion ? Or certain lifestyles and clothing that people associate with being conservative, ignorant, or old fashioned? Is it driven by fear of venturing outside our comfort zone or mingling with the unknown? I don’t know, but I think it’s some combination of all of the above.

How can the gay community do better?

It will take a lot of time for real change to kick in but we have to do our part. In my vision of a better world here’s what I think we should commit to:

Let’s not reject any group of people on our profiles, and reject individually instead. If we insist on stating preferences, then let’s try to state what we DO want rather than what we don’t want. And let’s use kinder words.

Let’s say “It’s not a good match” instead of making others feel bad about the things we don’t like.

Let’s not allow anyone to feel either superior or inferior to us and vice versa.

Let’s not stereotype anyone.

Let’s think hard about why we’re using race filters.

Let’s not attend parties and bars that don’t allow everyone to join.

Let’s agree that we are all imperfect. We need to regularly examine our thoughts and actions, admit mistakes, and make sure we are on a path we can be proud of individually and as a community.

And as we make these changes, let’s not feel forced to do anything that makes us uncomfortable or betray who we are.